Joined: 15 Mar 2010
|Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:35 pm Post subject: Children Disorders
A hardening of the head and heart in which a baby, whose mother is trying to burp him at two o-clock in the morning, will ignore all her patting and pleading and fiendishly refuse to part with the bubble of air in his stomach that would then permit the poor, groggy woman to deposit him in his crib and stagger back to bed. Fathers caught up in the same situation must exercise the greatest of self-control. As there will be a growing temptation to help the bubble along by gently dangling the little ingrate by his heels.
A dietary phenomenon in which babies; Usually from nine to twenty-four months; are possessed of a great appetite for anything but food, showing a marked preference for lamp cords, crib railings, dog biscuits and quite often the ear of the dog itself. Just how the infant, with his small and limited number of teeth, can chew his way through crib railings, ect, will forever remain a mystery to the parent UNLESS in an effort to removed splinters, egg shells, ect., the parent is stupid enough to stick a finger in said infants mouth. Not all nine-fingered fathers have power saws.
Metamorphosis in which a child's power of locomotion vary in direct ratio to a parents vigilance or lack thereof. A year-old child being watched by his mother will waddle about the room for hours with all the surefootedness of a drunk midget, his top speed never exceeding two feet per second. The moment the mother turns her back, however, he immediately assumes all the grace of a gazelle and moves at a speed exceeding sound. Thus the mother, before hearing the patter of little feet, will first hear the crash of her best lamp. Escaped children heading for freshly frosted cakes, antique vases and open wall sockets have been clocked at Mach 3.
A violent thrashing of a babies arms, legs, head, feet, rib cage, and rear end, punctuated by shrieks from the baby and profane mutterings from the attendant parents seeking to control the thrashing. Caused by the belief among babies that the human nose is a fit depository for anything but nose drops. The average 18 month-old will, without a qualm, introduce into his nostrils peas, marbles, buttons and carpet tacks, but when asked to submit the same organ to four drops of nasal balm immediately fears for his life. Administering the nose drops against the childs wishes is the equivalent of force feeding a python and unless the mother outweighs the child by 250 lbs. and has recourse to a straight jacket and leg irons, the help of the father will be required. The father should first gird himself with ear muffs, raincoat and catchers mask, because in the ensuing struggle there is always considerable doubt as to who will wind up with the drops and where.
The morbid fondness of a five-year-old child for his first loose tooth. Throughout his life the child will never again be so attached to any tooth. He will defy all parental attempts to pull it, preferring to carry it dangling from his gums for months or until such time as the father threatens to knock it out. This parental unrest is due to the childs constant manipulation of the tooth with his tongue. By the third month he will be able to shift it backward, forward and sideways. But, while refusing to allow anyone to PULL the tooth, he will be most generous in extending invitations to FEEL it. In fact, he will daily pursue his nauseated mother around the house INSITING that she feel it. Finally, when the tooth reaches such a state of looseness that the child resembles Ollie the Dragon, he will relent and allow the father to TRY and pull it. Trying to get a loop of thread around a baby tooth is the equivalent of lassoing an eel with a wet noodle, and, failing that, the father will try to PLUCK the tooth from the childs mouth. It is then that he discovers the childs gums are composed of not flesh but of concrete, and that to get the tooth he will have to wrestle the child for it, which he does. The child, should he recover, will then place the tooth under his pillow following which, the Tooth Fairy will leave a shiny quarter and a sever cause of Comstock's Jerk. In this, the child, realizing that he has a veritable silver mine sprouting from his jaws, will spend the next four years with his hand in his mouth trying to convert his remaining teeth into shiny quarters. Only the first child will go through both stages; all others go immediately into the second stage.
A congenital binding of the leg muscles making it impossible for any child under fourteen years of age to WALK down a flight of stairs. Thus handicapped, the child spends the first fourteen years of his life JUMPING down stairs. His parents spend the corresponding time ducking, since a forty-pound boy can, in one jump, shake houses three blocks away. The parents terror, however, decreases as the child grows older. Whereas a boy at four years of age will require thirty jumps to make thirty steps, he will require only three jumps at twelve. However, in requiring only three jumps he may also require splints, traction and a bone graft.
A rare - but not nearly rare enough - affliction in which extreme sleepiness and pressure of the bladder combine to deprive small boy of his sense of direction and cause all rooms to look like the bathroom. Subconsciously stirred by the call of nature, the boy, still seven-eighths asleep, will arise from his bed, miss the turn at the bathroom, and unknowingly accomplish his mission either in the hall, the linen closet or his father's shoes. This phenomenon must be seen to believed, but not at close range.
In this the child greets her father like something shot out of a cannon. Most commonly occurs out of doors. The child, playing in the front yard, spies her father returning from work. She lets out a whoop, races across the lawn, leaves her feet some five yards from the victim and lights on him at the speed of thirty-five miles per hour. A father greeted in this fashion more than once develops a furtive air and a habit of returning home only after dark.
A breakdown of communication between the leg muscles and the mind, believed due to the presence of kangaroo blood in the system of a child. Most prevalent among girls five to ten years of age. The disorder most often asserts itself on those occasions when the father attempts to kiss his daughter. He leans over to kiss the child but in the same instant the child, in the manner of an affectionate kangaroo, jumps up to kiss him. The father, being all puckered up, is totally unprepared for the maneuver and, instead of being kissed, is struck squarely in the face by the top of her head. This loosens the fathers teeth, spreads his nose from ear to ear and makes his eyes water for a week. Instead of sympathizing with her father, she begins howling that he bit her. As the father is reeling around the room trying to stuff his teeth back into his gums, this howling strains family relations to the utmost and quite often results in lasting frigidity on the part of the father, in that for the rest of his life he will content himself with merely BLOWING kisses at the child.
A disorder in which the pain follows rather than precedes a kiss. The father leans over to kiss the child, the child lovingly hooks her arms around his neck, and the kiss is consummated. Then, unaware that the child is not going to release her hold upon his neck, the father straightens up. The shock of suddenly lifting eighty pounds of child four feet off the ground with nothing but his neck muscles results in his spine sounding like a string of firecrackers exploding. This discomfiture, however, is lost on the child. Despite the fact that the father is clawing at the wall, the drapes and the hat rack in a vain effort to keep from falling on his face, the child merrily continues swinging from the remains of his neck.
Blind man's Bluff
A temporary myopia in which a small boy will attempt to convince his mother that the moisture on the windows is from the air conditioner upstairs and the moisture on the walk is just sap falling from the maple tree. The fact that the moisture is coming down in such a quantities that it is about to wash away the back yard makes no difference. He still wants no part of raincoats, boots, hats or any other sissy accessories that might keep him from catching pneumonia. On the rare occasion that he will agree to wear a raincoat, it is usually raining so hard that he should be wearing a life preserver instead.
The uncanny ability of small boys to locate hidden rocks, roots, brick's and other abrasives with their bare feet and stumps toes on same. A really talented stumper will take care of his shoes and socks the first day of the barefoot season, vow to his parents that he will watch his step, then take one fast romp around the yard, make contact with a surveyors stake buried in 1896, and limp back into the house with a big toe that looks like a diced beet.
A morbid fondness for death scenes; a temporary but violent hysteria in which an injured child, no matter how slight the injury, believes herself to be at the point of death and howls accordingly. these cries have such high anguish content and are accompanied by such elaborated dramatic effects that the father is immediately convinced that the child IS at deaths door and will race through the house, vaulting tables and crashing though unopened doors, going to her rescue. He fails to realize that in staging dead scenes a six-year-old child with a skinned knee can out screech a gut-shot panther. Even more deceptive are the dramatic effects.
A child falling down and slightly skinning a shin COULD hobble back into the house, but she prefers CRAWLING back, Dragging her legs. Her father invariably assumes that she has either been run over by a truck or run down by a sex maniac. Just how quickly he can determine the true nature of the injury depends upon the childs capacity for the dramatic and fiendish. The child may want to milk the scene for all its worth and will parry her father's queries with some more screeches. In such cases the fathers only recourse is to frisk the child for broken bones or blood puddling up in her shoes. Along the same lines is the revolving death scene in which the child has taken a blow on the kneecap or funny bone. The pain is so intense that she can find relief only in racing around the house and screeching. To reach a verdict in this case the father must either run her down or throw a tackle at her on the next swing though the living room.
We mothers, however, are very seldom victims of a child's dramatics, theorizing that the louder a child hollers the less she is hurt. It is disgusting how often they are right.
All by My mother... Linda Gutierrez
If you wish to keep your head... Stay out of my face...